I can’t count the number of families who come to me with “we want to do things differently”.
Often, it relates to conflict in the previous/current generation that they want to avoid in current/future generations.
This is why the ‘mapping/discovery’ process is so important as part of onboarding a family.
It’s a bit like the way a doctor takes a medical history.
They might talk about conflict that only happened in their generation, but if you start to delve further back, there are often repeating patterns.
It doesn’t surprise me.
George Santayana famously said: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
There are two elements to family conflict: fact and narrative.
The facts around a conflict can rarely be truly discovered. The truth is somewhere in between “our story” and “their story”. This isn’t a forensic judicial examination anyway.
What is more important is the narrative: how the conflict influenced the stories the family tells about itself. That in turn drives it engages with the world around it, and its wealth culture.
Family conflict is rarely about the commercials. It has its roots in basic family issues like fairness, favouritism, jealousy, and rivalry.
Seeking a commercial solution to an emotional problem isn’t going to work.
At best, it might patch things up temporarily, but it won’t address the root causes.
The same principle applies when considering repeating patterns.
If the pattern is viewed superficially – say in commercial terms – it won’t be understood.
The family may choose to change how things are done commercially, but that won’t address what’s really going on beneath the surface.
To break intergenerational patterns, families need to:
- Treat family members as humans, not saints. Growing up, we view our role-model and successful ancestors as infallible heroes. They aren’t. They are human just like us. Part of growing up and individuating is recognising that about our parents.
- Tell stories with honesty – warts and all. The saying goes “The older I get, the better I was”, but we all know everyone had ups and downs. Acknowledging that makes the stories more real, and better prepares us for what the world is really like.
- Be forward looking: what can we learn? There is little value in using stories to form judgement about the past. Rather, use them as a learning tool. How might we approach a similar situation? How might we do it better?
Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking that created them.”
The first step to breaking intergenerational cycles is self-awareness.
A deep perspective on the past, plus a space for real communication about that can lead to a brighter future for the whole family.
PS Families of faith might find my Genesis of Legacy program of interest.
Conversation Starters:
What are the stories you tell of historical family conflict?
How have these stories influenced how things are done in your family?
Further Reading:
It’s ludicrous to blame Baby Boomers like me for the troubles faced by Millennials
How to help clients pass wealth down to next generation
Almost half of the ultra-rich haven’t figured out how to pass on their wealth, research finds
What happens to your brain when you become a billionaire
How to handle a sudden financial windfall
The Secret To Sustaining Intergenerational Wealth
Mastering intergenerational wealth transfer conversations with clients
