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Hamas Announces Charidy Campaign

By ReligionJuly, 2021January 18th, 20244 min read

NOTE: The following is satire.

In the wake of the recent conflict with Israel, Hamas have announced a bold rebuilding campaign, funded using the innovative non-profit fundraising platform Charidy. In this exclusive interview, which has been edited for space and clarity, Hamas leader Ismail Haniya explains why his organisation is taking this unusual approach.

Interviewer: Hamas has previously received significant humanitarian aid from allies in the Middle East and the EU. What has changed?

Haniye: Over 4,000 of our precious rockets are gone – fired at the Zionist entity. They cost us about eight hundred dollars each, so that’s nearly 3.5 million dollars literally gone up in smoke! And for what? A measly dozen dead Zionists. Do you know how much concrete we will need to rebuild all those tunnels? Concrete is hard to get these days  – that is going to be at least another 5 million dollars. This has put a massive hole in our budget. We had an emergency meeting following the cease fire, and decided we needed to find new ways to raise money.

Why Charidy?

What we liked about them is their matching campaigns. Iran were quick to put their hand up to be a matcher. But the people at Charidy said the best campaigns are the 3x and 4x, so what really excited us was the support from our comrades Rashida Tlaib and AOC in the USA. Now that Trump is out of the way, they are more vocal and active than ever. With two world-leading matchers on board, it means every dollar people donate is multiplied three times.

What are your plans for rebuilding after this devastation?

Well, of course our priority is more rockets. Hezbollah in Lebanon have over 150,000 rockets hidden in apartment buildings everywhere and we are down to just a few thousand. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. To our great shame, Gaza has dropped to sixth in the global rankings of hidden rockets per square kilometre. Our arsenal has been devastated so we are going into production immediately. We are also getting drones from Iran – they are much more expensive thank rockets which is another reason we need to raise our game on fundraising.

We also have a huge initiative to build over two thousand concrete shelters, especially in the most densely populated areas of Gaza City, Jabalia and Khan Younis. We have recruited the best engineering graduates from the Islamic University of Gaza to work on these projects.

I’m sure the local population will be relieved that they will now have respite from any future attacks by Israel?

Sorry if I didn’t make that clear. The shelters are for our rockets! In addition, every damaged apartment building we repair will now have a huge concrete shelter in the basement. We must keep our rockets safe from those Zionists. And the shelters all also offer access to the tunnel network for our freedom fighters.

How about the damage to schools and hospitals? The dead and injured?

Oh yeah – that. We get a little money from Oxfam for that stuff, but they keep sending people to check that we spend it properly. It’s as if they don’t trust us!

Surely you are aware that Charidy is Jewish-owned – why are you using them?

Sadly, yes. Those Jewish scum are very clever with money, and given our rebuilding plans are ambitious, we decided to go with the best. Fortunately, we were able to strike a good deal with them, and they are only charging us 20% commission. That’s a lot less than the suitcase couriers we’ve been using until now, so we just have to live with it.

Note: this is satire

This was originally posted at [Times of Israel].

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