Q. How to prevent my family from falling apart?
A. Make it Antifragile
Families are complex systems.
There are lots of intermingling pieces.
Unlike a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces are not a certain set of shapes.
The members of the family are individuals, with their own wants and needs, dreams and fears.
As individuals, they grew up with multiple influences:
- Their family (and each child is born into a different family)
- The events going on around them
- Their personality
Consider married-ins, and blended families, and the diversity of personalities, wants and needs within the family group only expands.
Unlike a jigsaw puzzle, they don’t automatically fit together.
We can’t assume siblings will get on just because they happen to have emerged from the same womb
All the more so for family members who joined later.
Family members are connected by bonds of all shapes and sizes – relationships.
Parents & children, siblings, spouses, cousins, in-laws, step-siblings, grandchildren etc.
Each type of relationship has its own features and complexities
If there are 4 family members, there are 6 relationships between them.
With 8 family members, there are 28 different relationships.
It doesn’t take much for discord to spread through the family system.
If that wasn’t interesting enough, add family wealth to the mix.
That brings a whole new layer of complexity.
Shared assets, operating business roles, estate plans, power dynamics.
Stack all that together and you get something that can be very fragile indeed:
So how to make your family Antifragile?
Much the same way you build a strong house
It starts with a solid foundation
The foundation for an Antifragile family is communication and trust
Lack of communication leads to a vicious cycle of assumptions and mistrust
Open and good communication lead to trust
Once the family knows how to communicate, the next thing to layer over that is a sense of shared values & purpose.
That needs to respect individuality, and still find what the diverse family members have in common.
It’s often more than you think.
With shared values, the family can develop a sense of shared purpose.
That’s one of the most important things – “social capital”
The ability for a group of people to work together to a common goal
With those two things, you have a platform for the next stage: good governance.
That’s just fancy for the responsible use of power and good decision-making.
Clarity over how decisions are made that affect the whole family.
The comfort that the family members in charge are acting as stewards of the family wealth – acting in the best interests of the family as a whole, and considering the needs of all family members.
This often involves documenting the ‘rules’ by which the family operates in some kind of document – a charter or a constitution.
With that foundation, you end up with a group of people who are willing members of a family of affinity.
They are part of the family because they want to, not because they have to.
They understand the responsibilities that come with the privileges they enjoy.
They respect difference and can work toward common goals.
That foundation makes a family robust, resilient, and Antifragile.
Conversation Starters:
How would you rate the quality of communication and trust in your family?
What rules (written or unwritten) does your family have?
How does your family manage conflict?
Further reading:
Transition – A family must first govern itself before governing the family business
Democracy or monarchy – which will family businesses choose?
Defective family constitutions are dangerous
Opinion: Intergenerational strife: Why can’t we all just get along?
The Role of Trust In A Family Business
Unequal Inheritances Often Equal Hurt Feelings
Why estate planning should be a family affair
Three P’s Of Family Office Culture: Developing Purpose, People And Plans
Here is more reading on Family Governance.
